The Monstrosity Called Sex
by someonesgurl
Summary: Formally-"The Stuff That Wont Be In My Other Story" The title tells it all. Just read!. Slash and Lime(I think that's right) warning
1. There's No Stoping It!

Hey, first off I need to warn you all. Harry and Draco hijacked my computer and are making my right this.  
  
Draco: I'll actually admit to that.we are forcing her to right this because we want her to write something terribly awful. And then we want you to review cause it's so awful.  
  
Harry: This story is meant to be this bad. And it's not her writing. Go and read her other story if you want something that's not on purposely awful. The story is called One Step Closer  
  
Go read that one. Don't talk another step towards this one. I promise it's bad and you don't want to read it. Please run fast as you can away from here. You'll be hypnotized by the pure stupidity and poorly written properties of this fan fiction.  
  
Harry: * gags and pushes Ashes into the closet. Smiles sweetly at the readers go ahead and read this.  
  
Draco: And anyone who understands the html tags.Email Ashes at goodygoody_girl2002@hotmail.com  
  
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"Draco Malfoy, I hate you," Harry Potter yelled across the Great Hall that morning before breakfast. No one expected what happened next. Except maybe Headmaster/Professor Dumbledore.  
  
Draco Malfoy broke down crying, "But-but-I.I thought you loved me. I thought you were using me just for sex, I was right."  
  
"Hermione did you know about this?" Ron Weasley asked his girlfriend, Hermione Granger.  
  
"No, remember it was your month to stalk Harry and make sure that he didn't go and start having sex with Draco Malfoy like we've been thinking he's been doing for the past three years," Hermione said, looking in a book titled 'What To Do When Your Best Friend Goes Off With Their Archenemy'.  
  
Pansy Parkinson stormed to where Harry was standing and slapped him across the face, "The only reason why I let you have Draco was because I thought that you would love him how I couldn't, I didn't think that you would just have sex with him like a horndog and then tell him that you hated him."  
  
"Draco, I don't really hate you, love. I really don't. I love you. I want to grow old with you and live in a far away country not worrying about Voldemort," multiple gasps interrupted Harry, "I wanted to be able to live a happy life."  
  
"I cant believe he said Voldemort, can you believe he said Voldemort, I still cant believe he said Voldemor-" Dean Thomas wasn't able to sat the rest of his sentence.  
  
"WAIT! Don't say his name three times.He can hear you and when you say his name three times he'll come and kill you. Say Voldie Baby instead, that's what Sna-" Seamus Finnigan couldn't finish the rest of his sentence because Professor Snape's hand was covering his mouth.  
  
"Finnigan, unless you want our next potion to be one that turns people with Irish blood within their veins into toadstools, you should shut your mouth about things that you hear at night time."  
  
Seamus nodded, then they all watched as Professor Snape skipped of to his next class. Ginny Weasley was the first person to break out of the trance, "Merlin, what I would do to get a piece of that sexy ass."  
  
Ron looked at his little sister, "If you ever say anything like that again I will tell mum what is under your bed, in-between the mattress and the boards."  
  
"And how would you know that's there Ron, have you been in my room looking for my dildo again? I told you that whenever you wanted to use it all you would have to do is ask. But no you had to go through my stuff didn't you?" Ginny said, shaking a finger in front of her brother's face.  
  
"Draco, I'm in love with you. I promise that I wont ever say that again. I promise that I will save you from your father and protect you from Voldie, just tell me that you will be in my bed tonight and not Blaise Zabini's. That's all you have to tell me. And it's all that matter's is that you wont ever see him again," Harry had his arms around Draco in an intimate embrace.  
  
"I promise. I wont ever see him again; the only reason I was with him is because I thought that you wanted me to be. I love you Harry. And I will never leave you ever again."  
  
"Hermione, what's the spell to reverse all this?" Ron said staring at her wishing that she would hurry and find the reversal spell.  
  
"There is no way to reverse it Ron, he's stuck like this forever," she said, closing the book, "But now that they are out of the closet we can go and use it."  
  
After taking one look into her eyes Ron grabbed her hand and headed for the nearest storage closet.  
  
Headmaster/Professor Dumbledore tumbled out of the closet after they opened it. And he was in a suggestive embrace with someone.  
  
Everyone gasped, "Voldemort?!" All of them said except Dean, who figured he was still to young to die.  
  
"No, you daft idiots, my name is Tom Riddle, Voldemort, took over my body long, long ago and finally I was able to kill him and now you don't have to live in fear of him ever again," he said in a loud voice.  
  
"Now, since some students have found us in that closet, well have to move to another one," Dumbledore said, pulling Tom by the arm heading towards the Astronomy Tower.  
  
"Damn, Tom Riddle has a luscious ass too. Why is it all the guys with nice asses are gay? Why?" Ginny yelled.  
  
"Wait a second," Ron yelled, "We all know that teachers don't have lives, so why are so many of them in relationships? They aren't supposed to have time to go out and have a relationship or do anything other then terrorize us in class and out of class and at night time when we are trying to have sex with our choice of partners."  
  
"As long as I don't see Trelawney's choice of partner, I'll be able to live," Hannah Abbott said.  
  
"No, no, no, no.this is just like in a horror movies. When you say something you don't want to see, you'll see it. So don't say anything that you don't want to see. Reverse psychology," Harry said, tearing his lips away from Draco's where the y had been for the past few minutes.  
  
"Damn, you're right Harry." Hermione said, as she and Ron walked back into the Great Hall and sat down on chairs and couches that magically appeared.  
  
"I'm always right," Harry said proudly.  
  
"Damn, someone's getting a big head," Seamus said from where he was sitting on the other end of the couch Draco where sitting on.  
  
"Yes," Draco said from where he was sitting on Harry's lap. After biting his lip, he continued, "Yeah, he is."  
  
Seamus look scandalized, "You didn't just say that. I can't believe that you just said that. My poor virgin ears." Seamus covered his ears, but not before he heard Harry snort.  
  
"Seamus, you and virgin anything isn't possible," Harry bit his lip to keep from moaning out loud, but he still did make some noise as Draco moved around on his lap, "Dean has been seducing you since first year. If you are still a virgin it's a miracle"  
  
Draco caught Harry's lips in another kiss, while still grinding down on his lap.or 'big head'.  
  
"What, wait.Harry, stop making out with Draco for one damn minute," Dean said, pulling Harry and Draco apart.  
  
"Dean, if you don't fucking let go and let me get back to what I was doing I'll tell him about you wanking to that fucking picture every morning," Harry didn't even looked up as he said this, his and Draco's eyes were locked on each other's, "Seamus, you better move to a different couch, or better yet, sit on Dean's lap and make both of yourselves happy."  
  
Seamus moved just in time because right as soon as he stood up, Draco moved to lie down on the couch and pull Harry on top of him. Most of the Hogwarts' seventh years attempted to block out the sounds that were coming from where the two were laying.  
  
"Are you sure that there's no way to reverse it Hermione. I mean anything would be better than what they are doing now," Ron said looking at Hermione.  
  
"There's nothing Ron. But I do know a way that I can get your mind off of them," she said straddling his in the chair that he was sitting in.  
  
Ginny watched as a new person walked through the room; tall, dark, handsome, muscular, and a fine ass. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him to her, "I don't care if you are gay or not. You are coming with me to my room where we are going to fuck like animals in heat all night long. And you can't say a fucking thing about it."  
  
"Yes, 'am," came the reply with a British accent.  
  
"British accents are so sexy," Ginny almost yelled as she started dragging her new partner along, no caring who he was as long as he was willing to do what she wanted.  
  
"Hannah, I know we don't get along to well, but would you like to make out?" Vincent Crabbe asked the Hufflepuff shyly.  
  
"Sure," she said before starting to make out with him as if there was no tomorrow. Soon everyone got with someone else and they were all making out in the Great Hall.  
  
Some where in the middle someone muttered out, "Where's Goyle?" The answer was, "He's the guy Ginny pulled into her room earlier. It's for the best anyways, he's been wanting her forever." Ron must have not heard this cause there was not reaction from him.  
  
Hours upon hours later---------  
  
"Gods Draco, if I don't take you right now.I really need you Draco," Harry said, moaning loudly.  
  
The background sounds were gone in a flash and everyone left the Great Hall as soon as they heard the sound come from Harry.  
  
"Lets get to the rooms Harry, I need you now," Draco said, pulling Harry to his feet. Harry started walking backwards while still kissing Draco and rubbing him through his pants.  
  
"Harry opened the damn door," Draco said quietly. Harry moaned and the door opened, "It can even tell your moans from everyone else's?"  
  
----------------------------Enter all the Slash, or Het, Lemon, Lime, or just plain old SEX here.------------------------------ 


	2. EWWWWWWWWW!

Okay, so maybe this was supposed to be a one-time story, but I was hit with a moment of brilliance.  
  
Draco: *snickers * yeah, by lightening.  
  
Fuck you Draco! And before you say anything, fuck you too Harry.  
  
Harry: *defensively * I would never say anything about you. I'm so sweet, and kind, and nice, and-  
  
Draco: Sexy *smile devilishly *  
  
Oh, and modest too. *Mutters something along the lines of 'horny pathetic wizards' *  
  
Draco: *pushes Ashes into the closet *  
  
*From inside the closet * Hello! I'm the only one in this group that is even actually out of the closet; so let me out, NOW!  
  
Draco: Nope, I don't think I will.  
  
*Mutters something about the psychological affects of getting pushed into a closet too many times *  
  
Harry: *lets Ashes out of the closet * We need her Draco, our cooking isn't that good.  
  
REVIEW!!  
  
This chapter is dedicated to the reviewer who said the exact same thing.  
  
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WET DREAMS  
  
An series of interviews between Harry Potter and all his school mates, teachers, and others. He will ask the same question over and over again. That question is: If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?  
  
~  
  
-Camera is on Draco Malfoy, when a voice out of screen asks, "If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?"-  
  
Draco Malfoy: * licks his lips * Nothing but a hard on, and maybe some feather handcuffs.. Oh and maybe a blindfold, and also..Oh fuck! Do that again.  
  
-The door gets closed in the cameraman's face. He tentatively knocks on it a few times, but backs off when his only answer in moans and grunts. -  
  
-Camera focuses again, this time on Ginny Weasley. The question is asked, "If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?"-  
  
Ginny Weasley: *scratches her chin thoughtfully * That is a tough one. I would have to say either nothing, or a necklace.  
  
Harry Potter: Necklace?  
  
Ginny Weasley: Oh yes, a dog tag. To remind you.  
  
Harry Potter: * cautiously * of what?  
  
Ginny Weasley: Whom you belong to, of course. It would say, Property of Ginny Weasley.  
  
-Camera falls to the ground and shows a sideways view of the cameraman trying to pull Ginny off of Harry. -  
  
-Camera focuses on the face of Ron Weasley. The question is asked, "If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?" -  
  
Ron Weasley: * stands and starts to hit his head on the wall * that question is wrong on so many different levels that I will not even try to explain it.  
  
-Camera ends with Ron pushing Harry away as he tries to pull the redhead away from the wall. -  
  
-Camera focuses on Professor Snape. The question is asked, "If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?" -  
  
Professor Snape: That will be a loss of two hundred points, and two months worth of detentions Potter!  
  
Harry Potter: So that is your fantasy. Having your way with me in detention, no wonder you always gave me so many. You were wanting to have you way with me all this time.  
  
Professor Snape: * glares and looks shocked at the same time * you don't have detention anymore. Leave now!  
  
-Camera is shaking as the cameraman films Snape throwing random objects at Harry, who was taunting him. -  
  
-Camera focuses on Madam Pince (A/N: the librarian, who's name I can't spell). . The question is asked, "If you had a wet dream about me what would I be wearing?" -  
  
Madam Pince: A book covering your more private areas.  
  
-Camera shows Harry running away from Madam Pince quickly and not looking back. -  
  
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I got to jet for now. I'll write more later. If there's anyone in particular that you want me make have a interview, just tell me. I'll write them. Later-Ashley 


End file.
